xhbimadhatter13

welp.. i just took a psychological test for depression. scoring works like so: 

i am Broken. i am Dead. my Soul can only cry, without taking action. i am worthless. not even worth a capitol "i". why must i be this way. what purpose is there to this madness. even my blood is pale, takes up little space, as my worthless form kneels on the cold ground. Miw-sher, if you still hear me at all. know i am sorry. for it appears that is all i can be. i am not allowed anything more meaningful. 

So i went to Ross today, first of the memories comes back, thats bad enough, makes me want to get the fuck out of there, but i can't say that, because it isn't a good enough excuse. so we continue around, looking for shoes for my brother, and i get a glance at a girl. total stranger, but her hair seems familiar, blond and pinkish red. so i look some more. and i Boiled. Same height, Same body, Same walk, Same pants, Same shirt, Same sandals, Same hair style, Same hair color, Same way of putting her shades on her head, same slightly sarcastic gaze, even similar facial structure, as YOU. I nearly puked as thought after mixed up thought flooded my head, almost blocking everything else out. it was a sickening species of Rage, one where i wanted to punch and stab and Throw up at the same time. These feelings persisted to the point where i almost had to tell my mom i couldnt drive any more. did i mention Sickening Rage? finally we left, and i could see it no more, but i couldn't get rid of what it had done to my mind. we then went over to Food Maxx, and the parking lot smelled of dog shit and Jizz. we got inside and it was a little bit better, but i kept wanting to punch everything that came near me, and it got so bad near the end of our shopping that i had to hold back a couple vicious Dry Heaves, in fact i still feel like puking a little bit. And ALL OF THAT was caused by a COMPLETE STRANGER WHO JUST HAPPENED TO LOOK LIKE YOU. that is what you do to me now. so stop hintingat me in all of your writing, stop insinuating that i am some lost dog who was stolen by a bad master, YOU THREW ME THE FUCK OUT, AND I MOVED ON. please do the same. Grow Up. i used to love you. i made a huge mistake. You took it from there. IF IT HAD BEEN ME, I WOULD HAVE SPENT THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING YOU HAD DRUNK FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND, AND I WOULD NOT HAVE CARED! but whatever, you arent like me. thats why im glad it ended. thats why i moved on. because you are nothing like me. i hope i dont see you again. because even now, i do not want to hurt you. but if i see you, i might.

I cannot describe to you how perfect this dream was, and no one but me will ever truly understand unless they have it too, but i can tell you what happened.

We started at the pier. On the coast somewhere in the world.  All of us were there all of the music people. Me, matt, paige, maria, giffey, and many others, including some of my old friends, like brian longhurst and elise Hogan. With us were two important, loved people. One was Dr. fiske, but he was younger, and much more fit. The other was a very large, strong black man who simply exuded the feeling of ultimate good. I think he might have been god. We started jumping. Into the water we went, laughing but scared. we hit and it seemed to make no splash, no matter what we did. The water kept its own rhythm even with us in it. After a while we left the pier and walked toward what the black man called a Sacred Place of Song. Fiske seemed to know the place, and kept saying so, while walking ahead of everyone. When the path split slightly, me, paige, and matt followed fiske, closer to the shore. We rounded a corner and could see a few large fallen trees partially blocking a path that led up into the woods near the ocean. Then the first few people started passing us. They were running, but not from fear. They were happily, joyously running toward this path. So we joined them. Fiske either left at this point, or he simply walked. We sprinted toward that path with reckless abandon, while the man who could be god talked kindly in our heads. When we reached it, we leaped over the trees, some people stumbling , many falling on their faces, then getting right up and running again. The path was old and little used, branches slapped our faces and the ground was slippery with pine needles and leaves of all sorts. matt was directly ahead of me, and as I caught up to him we reached a huge tangle of large branches which he tripped over, laughing. When we passed this we rounded a large left turn, which had obviously been made so people who were running could maintain their pace. As we turned the corner, the man started yelling aloud saying " run until you cannot anymore! Run until you trip and break your mind! Run until your spark leaves your body!" we could see a cliff very near, and the ocean beyond and beneath. "run until" We Jumped. "run until your music leaves you, and I hope to god that never happens." I hit the water, seemingly alone. The man whispered in my mind "run with your music, my children, its fire never dies" and I let myself float gently, sweetly to the surface, pulled to shore by the kind currents.

"My Brain is two feet taller than my skull, and negative outlines are flitting across my vision in 8-bit 9/4 time donkey-kong style leaps and twirls"- Me, Tuesday.. shit, that was bad. Kids, Never Do Edibles. that shit fucks you up.....